Felis Catus Temporus
by Lissy Strata
Summary: A series of unrelated one-shots in which your favourite characters become cats. Because cats. (Newest Chapter - Twelve and Clara)
1. Not a Kitty

"Peri, wake up!"

She mumbled in her sleep, but her eyes remained closed. Sighing, the Doctor climbed onto the bed and tried again. "Peri!" Still nothing. He poked her cheek a few times. Of course something like this would have to happen after she'd been out clubbing with those people she'd met at the lake. He'd have to give her a proper lecture about the effects of alcohol on the human body, but for now he'd settle for getting her up. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed her help.

Finally, he'd managed to wake her by jumping onto her shoulders and bopping her on the head. Even so, she'd only startled a bit before rolling over and sitting up. "Good! You're up."

She rubbed her eyes and gazed blearily at him. "Doctor...?"

"No, that's not the alcohol. As you can see, we've got a small problem on our hands."

"But Doctor..."

"While you were out gallivanting around, I was busy with some routine TARDIS maintenance. I don't know how it happened but somehow the chameleon circuit got crossed with the..."

"Doctor," said Peri, a hint of a smile playing about her lips, "you're a kitty."

"A kitty? _A kitty?!_ I, Perpugilliam Brown, am NOT a 'kitty'! I'm temporarily disguised as a member of the genus _felis_, or more appropriately _felis sylvestris catus_."

Peri wobbled a bit where she sat. "So...you're a kitty."

"If you want to get technical about it, I would appear to be a Maine Coon. Suits me well, I think. The breed is known for it's above-average intelligence-"

"You're a chubby kitty." She leaned forward awkwardly and poked him in the stomach.

"It's fur!" he said indignantly. Peri only laughed and fell over on the bed. The Doctor lashed his tail. "The things I have to put up with...go on, get it out of your system!"

After a few minutes, her giggles subsided. "How did this happen?" she asked, gesturing at all of him.

"Well, I was trying to repair the chameleon circuit while you were out and there was a power surge right when I was...you're still drunk, aren't you?" Peri was lying across the bed and had started trying to pet him mid-speech.

She nodded, then said "Kitty!" and started giggling again. "You're purring!"

"I am not," he said, purring as she scratched under his chin. "Now if you've finished playing around, I need you to help me fix this. This circuitry requires something more dexterous than paws and I think under my instruction, you ought to be able to re-wire it in about..." he trailed off as he realised she'd fallen back asleep. "Oh, no. No, get up! You've got a job to do."

The Doctor had put his paws on her shoulder to shake her awake, when suddenly she grabbed him and cuddled him to her, rolling over in the process so she was almost on top of him. "Peri!" he exclaimed. He tried to wiggle free, but she just held on tighter.

He huffed. "On second thought, I think you'd better sleep it off first. I can't have you mucking around with the circuit in this condition. You'd probably turn the TARDIS inside out! So you lay there, and I'm going to wait right here and make sure you're resting properly."

If he didn't know any better, he would've sworn the TARDIS was laughing at him.


	2. Who's a Kitty?

...yeah, so my cat's been excessively adorable lately, inspiring me to write more of this. Let's face it, Six is like seventy-three percent cat anyway.

* * *

Peri woke up to find a large blond cat curled up next to her. She stared at it for a moment, then remembered the events of the previous night. So it hadn't been a dream! Grinning, she sat up and ran her fingers through the long fur, noticing how the ends curled a bit. The cat snored.

She lifted one of his front paws and let it drop back down. Giggling, she did it a few more times before she realised the snoring had stopped and the Doctor was looking at her through slitted eyes.

"Amused?" he asked.

She smiled and scratched behind his ears. "I think I like this regeneration best."

The Doctor huffed. "I didn't regenerate, it was an accident with the chameleon circuit. Weren't you listening last night?"

"I was wasted last night."

"I remember. You came back in the wee hours of the night, barefoot, singing Beyoncé's latest single and tripping over your own feet! I'm surprised you even managed to find the TARDIS on the first try. You do realise we can actually go anywhere in space and time? And here you are, going on pub crawls! Why bother leaving the planet at all? Forget the seven moons of Balkor or the Eye of Orion, it's half-price drinks at the..." Tired of the lecture, Peri started scratching his tummy. "...at the...place...could be watching the...annual...geese-juggling..." The Doctor started kneading the air with his front paws before he noticed what he was doing. "...and will you stop that?!"

"Aww, you're purring again!"

"Am not."

He purred as she switched to rubbing his cheek and twisted so he was both on his back and curled up. Peri couldn't help it- she 'aww'ed again because he just looked so damn _cute_. "Stop it," he snapped. "We don't have time for this, you've got to repair the chameleon circuit and reverse this."

"Me?"

"Well I can hardly do it myself in this condition! Right now, you've got the only pair of hands in the TARDIS."

"But Doctor, I don't know how to fix the circuit."

"Nonsense! You can still follow instructions, can't you? Not too hung over to listen to me?" He rolled over, stretched and stood up. "Now come on. We've wasted enough time waiting on you as it is."

Being a cat sure hadn't made him any less bossy, Peri thought. "Okay, I'll do it. But on one condition." The Doctor cocked his head at her. "You have to let me get this out of my system first."

"Get wha-"

She scooped him up in a bear hug and nuzzled his head, going, "Whoosa kitty-kitty-kitty!" Fur standing on end, the Doctor yowled, struggled free, and ran from the room, claws skidding on the slick floor. Peri laughed and followed him to the console room.

* * *

"Doctor, stop it."

"Stop what?" He batted at the tools in her hand. She moved them out of his reach, but he reached up and took a swipe a them anyway.

She pushed him away. "Stop getting in the way when I'm trying to help you." Five minutes into the repair, he'd started chasing dangling wires from a piece of equipment Peri was carrying and slid into a wall when she suddenly turned around. Between instructions, he'd batted away pieces of circuitry, hopped up on the console and sat on important buttons, tried to eat some string he'd found, and managed to electrocute himself by sniffing an exposed wire. (Peri had to do a lot of coaxing to get him to come down off the wall.) "All you're doing is making this harder."

"What did you expect?" he said, hopping into her lap. Peri moved his tail out of her face. "You're trying to do this with a cat in the room! Switch the red and blue wires..."


	3. Australian Kitty

_**BloodLily16- If you're open to story suggestions, how about Tegan as a cat? If not, forget I said anything.**_

_**Yeah, sure. Why not?**_

* * *

The Doctor hastily withdrew his hand from the roundel, narrowly avoiding being scratched. "Now, Tegan, be reasonable." The only response he got was an angry growl from within the wall. Crouching, he stuck his head inside. "If we just go apologise to the wizard, I'm sure he'll-AAARRGH!" The Doctor retreated, banging his head in the process, and clasped a hand to the four bloody scratches on his cheek.

Nyssa calmly walked around the corner and handed him a first aid kit. "Here, let me talk to her."

"Watch out. She's not happy," he said. He took the kit into the console room and dabbed at the scratches with a rapid-healing ointment. A few minutes later, Nyssa came in with Tegan in her arms. "Ah. Feeling better now?" He reached out toward her, only for Tegan to bite him. "Obviously not," he said as he rubbed his hand.

"Tegan says she's not the one who needs to apologise," said Nyssa.

"I thought she couldn't speak!"

"She can, but not to you at the moment." Tegan lashed her tail and whispered something in Nyssa's ear. "She says...she's not the one who insulted the wizard by insisting magic isn't real and showing him up in front of the townspeople."

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clarke, wonderful man...Anyway, if she hadn't been standing in the way-"

Tegan whispered to Nyssa again, who just stared at her and said, "I don't think that's physically possible."

"What did she say?"

"She said you can go-"

"All right, perhaps I was a bit out of line. But I still insist that it wasn't magic that turned Tegan into a cat."

"You're saying you have the kind of technology that can fix her?" asked Nyssa.

The Doctor looked around the TARDIS, then back at Nyssa and Tegan. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and instead went to the hatstand for his coat. "The wizard lives on the south side of town, right? It's only seven o' clock, he's probably still up..."


	4. Explody Kitty

_**TimeLord Prime- Maybe you could have Seven as a cat next and we could see how Ace reacts to it.**_

_**Never really written for Seven and Ace before, but...**_

* * *

A small figure climbed over the chain-link fence in the darkness and landed on the ground with a heavy thump.

"Ace!"

She swung her rucksack around to her front and unzipped it. "You all right, Professor?"

A tabby manx stuck its head out. The Doctor had yet to tell Ace how, exactly, this transformation had happened, or even where he'd found a cat-sized panama hat. "I thought I told you we weren't going to need your nitro-9 this time," he said, gesturing to the grey cans beneath him.

"You did."

"And I also thought I told you to be careful if you're going to be carrying high explosives and living creatures in the same bag?"

"Yeah."

"Just checking." He turned his attention to the building in front of them while Ace ducked behind a row of bushes. "Both doors are solid steel, but there's a side entrance that's heavily guarded. There's also an open window on the ground floor-"

"And I'm not to do anything particularly distracting to throw off the guards, especially not with the nitro-9 I didn't bring?"

"Exactly," he replied, tapping her nose with a paw. The Doctor hopped down from her shoulders and briskly walked along the fenceline. "Thirty seconds."

Less than ten minutes later, both girl and cat came tearing out of the building as smoke poured out of the windows. The Doctor ran along the top of a brick wall for a few metres before jumping onto Ace's rucksack, halfway balanced on her shoulders. "Ace!"

"It's all right, Professor! Just a miscalculation!"

"Miscalculation?!" Behind them, the building blew up sky high. Ace dove around a corner and concealed herself and the Doctor within a deep doorway, narrowly avoiding falling debris.

"Well, it put an end to the Cybermen, didn't it?"

"Oh, Ace..."


	5. Three Little Kitties

__**People like cats, yo.**__

* * *

The Doctor was understandably concerned when he found his friends' clothing in piles on the floor. Briefly, he wondered what they could possibly be up to this far into the TARDIS before he noticed what lay near the clothes- an obsolete version of a chameleon arch, one he'd put away in this storage room ages ago. The model had substandard safety features, so it was no stretch of the imagination to assume they'd triggered it somehow. But now the question was why they'd taken their clothes off.

He was debating whether or not he should go find them or wait for them to find him when he heard a tiny mew. There was a small, pale-furred kitten attacking the hem of his trousers.

"Now where did you come from?" he asked, crouching down and picking up the kitten. It gnawed his index finger. The Doctor chuckled, then looked up as he heard loud mewling from the other side of the room. Two more kittens wrestled on the floor.

Three kittens, three piles of clothes, and one defective chameleon arch. "Oh my giddy aunt..." he said as the penny dropped.

* * *

He swore once he recalibrated the arch, he'd dismantle it completely and never bother with another one. This particular model had been discontinued once it became apparent that an option to change humanoid beings into non-humanoids had been a terrible idea. It wouldn't be impossible to turn them back, just inconvenient.

First of all, he needed to figure out who was who. The blonde kitten was certainly Polly, but the other two both had tabby patterns. Ultimately, he decided that the one with four white paws was Ben and the other Jamie. With identification out of the way, the Doctor turned his attention back to the machine. Now it was only a matter of figuring out exactly what they'd done so he could reverse it. He began checking the system settings.

A loud crash made him look up. The three little kittens had somehow knocked over a floor lamp and were fleeing from the sudden noise. (Except Jamie, who was walking backwards, arched up and hissing.)

Nobody was hurt, so the Doctor went back to work. Several times, he had to shoo away inquisitive paws, and once he had to stop and remove Jamie from his shoulder. A short while later, he looked up just in time to watch as Polly pounced on Ben from a low shelf. At that same moment, Jamie decided to attack as well, and ended up colliding with her on the way down, knocking a yo-yo across the floor. Ben took off after the trailing string, Polly darted under an armchair, and Jamie fought his own tail for a few moments before running off.

The Doctor chuckled.

He made a few adjustments to the arch and a small panel opened on the side, letting three fob watches fall to the ground. Before he could pick them up, Ben bounded in out of nowhere, knocked two of them across the floor, and chased after one. The Doctor quickly grabbed two of the watches and pulled the third one away from Ben, who was trying to bite through the case. "Enough of that," he chided, turning back to the machine. "Oh, no. Not in there!" Polly had climbed into the side panel and the Doctor shooed her away.

The watches all looked more or less identical, another design flaw of the faulty chameleon arch, but by listening carefully to the mental voices within, the Doctor was able to determine which was which. Carefully, he labeled each one with a felt-tip pen.

Nearly ready, he glanced up to see where the kittens were. Near a stack of clutter, Jamie was wrestling with the end of a feather boa that was dangling out of a box. Attracted to the feathers, the other two soon joined in and gave the boa a big tug. The stack wobbled precariously and-

"Jamie, no!"

-toppled over with an almighty crash. Odds and ends went everywhere and so did the kittens. He found them huddled under the armchair, fur on end and eyes wide. With a little coaxing, he was able to get them to come out. This time, he held onto them while he emptied out a cardboard box and lined it with a blanket and the feather boa. He unhooked three sets of claws from his coat and put the kittens in the box to keep them out of trouble.

Ignoring the mews of protest and the scrabbling at the sides of the box, the Doctor finished resetting the arch, swapped out the old battery for a new one, and cleared a small area for the transformation. It was then that he realised he couldn't hear anything from the box. Quietly, he went over to see.

They'd curled up in the corner and fallen asleep in a pile. Tiny paws twitched. Without waking up, Jamie yawned and rolled over.

The Doctor smiled. Perhaps he'd let them sleep a bit first.

* * *

It was about an hour later, and everyone was back to their usual state. In order to deal with the memories from being kittens, they decided to blame the whole incident on alcohol and leave it at that.


	6. UNIT Kitty

_**You thought I was done with kitty fic? THINK AGAIN!**_

* * *

It was impossible to miss the two cats. The commotion could be heard well outside of the old warehouse- yowling, growling, and fur flying. Backs arched and tails lashing, they broke apart and glared at each other. One had wavy whitish-grey fur, the other black with bits of grey peppered throughout. With resounding growls, the cats attacked each other again. By now, they were both bleeding from various wounds. One of them was bound to give out soon.

From somewhere off to the side, a UNIT soldier fired a tranquilizer gun. The first dart hit the Doctor right in the flank, and the second in the Master's shoulder. If he hadn't been so busy trying to keep his throat from being ripped out, he would have realised sooner he'd been hit. As it were, he didn't notice until the effects of the sedative started taking hold.

His vision blurred and the room started spinning. Staggering, he fell over his own paws and couldn't get up again. He suspected the Master was in a similar condition. Around him, he could hear at least a dozen different sets of footsteps...

...and one familiar pair.

"Watch out, Miss. This is..."

"It's the Doctor!" said Jo, gathering up the white cat in her arms and pulling out the dart. Across the room, he could see the Master being taken away by UNIT soldiers. "Oh, dear! You're bleeding," Jo said as she turned to walk out of the building. The Doctor tried to respond, but could only managed a garbled-sounding noise. Ah, well. At least it was all over and his adversary was safely out of the way. He relaxed and let Jo fuss over him until he lost consciousness.

* * *

He woke up a while later, aware of a dull pain in his side. Opening his eyes, he could see he was back in his lab at UNIT headquarters, but there was something blocking his view. Someone, most likely Jo, was stroking his back. He groaned and sat up. The thing in front of his face followed.

"Are you all right, Doctor?"

"Jo, what is this infernal thing on me?"

"Um...," she hesitated, not sure how to break the news to him. "You've got an awfully bad scratch down your side. You needed stitches, but the vet didn't know you're not really a cat, so he..." she gestured vaguely at the offending device, biting her lip to keep from giggling. "...put on the...cone thingy..."

The Doctor frowned. "It's not funny, Jo." He pawed at the base, trying to slip it off over his head and getting nowhere. Behind him, the door swung open and the Brigadier started to enter the room, paused to take in the scene, then hastily stepped back out with his mustache twitching. "What was that? Is someone there?" The Doctor spun around, nearly falling off the table before Jo caught him.

"It's nothing, Doctor."

"Get this ridiculous contraption off me this instant!"

"Okay, okay!" She fumbled with the fastenings. "Just calm down or you're going to hurt yourself even worse."

"I may be a cat now, but I still heal just as quickly." Once she removed the cone, he cast it to the floor with a flick of a paw. He glared at it. The door opened again, and the Brigadier re-entered, having composed himself.

"Ah, Doctor. Up already, I see," he remarked.

"No thanks to your men. Really, Brigadier. Tranquilizers?"

"They weren't meant to hit _you_. Besides, I think that's the easiest we've ever been able to capture the Master."

The Doctor swished his tail on the table. "I wouldn't be too sure. He's changed his appearance, but don't think for one moment that it makes him any less dangerous."

"Oh, I'm well aware of that. He's under constant guard until we've figured out what do do with him." The phone rang and Jo went to answer it. "In the meantime, what do we do about you?" he asked, referring to the Doctor's current feline state. He had no idea how he'd even begin to explain having a cat on staff.

"Well it's really quite simple. All I have to do is-"

"Brigadier, it's for you," said Jo. From her expression, it didn't look like good news. Arching an eyebrow, the Brigadier took the phone.

"Yes?" He listened for a moment, then... "What do you mean he escaped?...They did WHAT?!" The Brigadier was furious. _"I don't care how cute he is, you are not to take the prisoner out for tummy rubs!"_ he bellowed into the phone. "That is the Master! Get after him this instant!" He slammed down the receiver and turned to Jo and the Doctor. "He's gone. Escaped. Two men in hospital. So help me, the next man who plays with the damn cat is getting a court-martial!"

"It's worse than I thought," said the Doctor. "He's using his telepathic powers to magnify the human brain's susceptibility to cats."

"What?" snapped the Brigadier.

"When humans come in close proximity to small, furry mammals, they become more prone to irrationality. Take Jo, for instance."

Jo frowned, "Why? I'm not doing anything!"

"Look at your hands, Jo."

She did. Upon realising she was petting the Doctor she quickly pulled away, blushing. If he minded, he didn't let on. Instead, the Doctor had Jo help him start rigging up a device that would turn him back to normal while the Brigadier left to oversee things. Roughly fifteen minutes later, Sergeant Benton came in to announce they'd found the Master.

"You've captured him?"

"Well, no. But we've found where he's hiding. Number four, Witterclose Drive. He's...um...well, there's a little old lady who lives there..."

"Oh, no," said Jo. "He didn't hurt her, did he?"

"No, I think he's using her as cover. We can't do anything at the moment."

"Why not?"

"Think about it, Jo," said the Doctor. "What would it look like, UNIT troops forcing a poor old granny to hand over her cat?"

It would look positively barbaric, Jo thought. They'd have to figure out another way... "I've got an idea," she said. "Get me a basket..."

* * *

Mrs. Nesbit was delighted to have something to fuss over again. Her grandchildren were all grown up and didn't visit nearly as often. The old house was lonely and empty these days. But then a cat turned up in her garden. Now she had a new friend purring away on the windowsill, fastidiously cleaning the last bit of cream from his whiskers.

She'd need a few tins of meat if she was going to keep him, she supposed, so she took her coat and cane and started down the street. Barely a few doors down, she saw a young woman sitting on the pavement next to a wicker basket, crying.

"Goodness, child. What's the matter?"

The girl wiped away her tears. "Oh, I'm looking for my cat. I'm going away to my aunt's house and I wanted to take Mittens with me, but he got out of his basket and..." A fresh wave of sobs wracked her body. "Sorry. It's probably silly, to be worried so much over a cat. Only...my mum gave him to me before she...she..."

Mrs. Nesbit handed the girl a tissue. "I'm so sorry, dearie. What did he look like? Maybe I can help."

"He's got this sort of blackish-grey colour with two white paws."

That was the very cat in Mrs. Nesbit's house. She'd thought it seemed too tame for a stray. Oh, well. This poor girl needed it more. "Come with me, dear."

* * *

"Well played, Miss Grant."

"I don't know why you sound so pleased. You're the one in the basket."

"Perhaps it is because I can accept defeat gracefully?"

"That's nothing like you."

"True. I'm planning my escape as we speak. Would you care to take a look?"

She thought she ought to; it had been suspiciously easy to get the Master inside the basket. Jo almost looked, but stopped herself. "Oh, no. I'm not falling for that old trick. I'm not letting you hypnotize me that easy!"

"Nothing gets past you, Miss Grant."

She should have looked. She would have seen him reaching through the bars and unlatching the cover, and would have been in a better position to stop him leaping out. As it were, there was another chase through the streets ending at his TARDIS, which vanished before UNIT could even reach it. "Never mind it, Jo," said the Doctor, hopping onto the lab bench. "We'll get him next time. And it might be a while, too. I've got a feeling he's going to be a cat for a long time."

"Why?"

"Because," he winked, "he hasn't got a top-quality UNIT assistant to help him."

Jo smiled. "Oh, Doctor."

* * *

Mrs. Nesbit sat down to breakfast with her new companion purring on the windowsill. That morning, someone had left a familiar basket on her doorstep. Inside had been a skinny orange and white cat along with a note that read _"Found this one wandering the base. Thought you might like a furry friend. -Jo Grant."_

The old house didn't feel so empty anymore.


	7. The Eleventh Kitty

_You know you needed more kitty fic today._

* * *

"Amyyyyy!" moaned the Doctor.

"No."

"Please?"

"I said no!"

"Hmph! Fine..."

Rory followed the voices through the library to find where Amy and the Doctor were. He rounded a corner and nearly tripped over the lanky tom cat. "Ah! Rory! Rory, Rory, Rory...!" He was wearing a little cat-sized shark costume. "Get this off me, would you?" Rory knelt down and obliged. Was Amy forcing the Doctor to play dress-up?

"Thanks!" The Doctor ran off down a row of shelves, muttering, "Sharks..._definitely_ not cool..." Slightly confused, Rory went the opposite direction and found his wife sitting on a large, plush sofa. A magazine was open in her lap. He went and sat beside her.

"What's with this?" Rory asked, holding up the costume. Amy glanced up and grimaced.

"You didn't take it off for him, did you?"

"Yes. Amy, you can't just dress him like he's a doll."

"It's not like that. He-"

Before she could finish, the Doctor hopped onto the arm of the sofa, walked across Amy's lap to Rory's, and started shoving a purple waistcoat and a bow tie into his hands. "Now help me put these on," he demanded.

"What?"

Amy groaned. "Doctor, it stopped being funny an hour ago."

"But I've still got more outfits!"

"Rory and I are not going to dress you up all afternoon!"

Completely taken aback, Rory tried to diffuse the situation by obliging the Doctor. "No, it's all right..." He slipped on the waistcoat and tied the tie around the cat's neck, who gave Amy a triumphant look.

"Rory, do not get him started again," warned Amy as the Doctor jumped down and ran off.

"Why not?"

"Because," she said as she pulled out her mobile, "of this." There were quite a few pictures of the Doctor in various cat-sized outfits- cowboy hats, sombreros, a variety of jumpers, a tuxedo, a bunny costume, a suit, a kilt, the most garish coat of many colors, a velvet smoking jacket, a twenty-foot scarf, a Hogwarts uniform... Amy was in the earlier pictures, smiling, but soon it was just the Doctor.

Behind him, the Doctor hopped up onto the back of the couch and dangled a fez in front of Rory's face. "Just one more. I can't get the chin strap with these paws." Rory glanced at Amy who deliberately ignored him and went back to her magazine.

Sighing, he put the fez on the cat.


	8. 13 Bannerman Kitty

**Somebody's got it in for Sarah Jane this time...**

* * *

The only markings on the package were the words '13 Bannerman Road' written in red ink. Sarah Jane noted that in the addition to the lack of a return address and the fact that it had been delivered on a Sunday, it felt oddly light. Curiously, she opened it up to find another box inside. And another inside that one.

"If this is some sort of joke..." she said to herself as she went through two more boxes. The third box contained two boxes- one about the size of a ring box, the other larger. She opened the smallest one first.

Inside was a tiny electronic device no bigger than a pea that vaguely resembled an insect. After a cautious examination, she set it aside and opened the other box. This one contained a sleek x-shaped device with a few buttons on it. She set both devices down on the kitchen table and considered them for a moment.

"K9?," she called, "I need you to run a scan on something."

"Coming, Mistress." From the next room, she heard him whirring as he made his way over.

Suddenly, the pea-sized bug device switched on with a sharp beep. Too fast for Sarah Jane to catch, its wings activated and it flew out of the room. She heard an electronic screech and-

"Mistress! Harmful frequency detected! Primary functions have been disrup-disrup-disrup-"

"K9!" She ran from the kitchen to see him spinning in place haphazardly. Behind her, the other device glowed brightly and shot a ray of energy that hit her squarely in the back. Sarah Jane was aware of a brief tingling sensation before she hit the floor. Scrambling to her feet, she realised she was now surrounded by fabric. She pushed it aside awkwardly, her limbs not responding properly.

Wait a moment...these were her own clothes! And were those...paws? _Her_ paws? She looked behind her to see a tail. _A cat?_ she thought, _I'm a-_

"Intruder detected," came a crisp electronic voice. She turned around, now looking _up_ at K9, to see he had regained control of his motor functions and was facing her.

"K9?" Okay, so she was a cat that could talk.

"Intruder detected," he said again.

"K9, it's me." The laser gun extended from his snout and she backed up a few paces. "NO, K9! It's me, it's Sarah-"

PEW!

A scorch mark appeared where she had been standing. She took off running on her new legs, claws slipping on the tile kitchen floor. "Initiating chase mode," said K9 as he trundled after her. Sarah Jane did a lap around the table, dodging lasers, then made a break for the living room where she hid behind the TV. She held her breath as she heard K9 whirring along. Why hadn't he recognised her? Even if he couldn't, he never reacted this way to cats. Something was seriously wrong.

Everything was silent for a few seconds. Then...

"Mistress?"

She hesitated, then replied, "Yes, K9?"

"Harmful frequency detected in this room. My higher functions have been affected."

"Can you find the source?"

"Negative. Scanner is impaired. Recommended action- locate and disable source of frequency."

She had a sneaking suspicion it was one of those two weird devices from the box causing this. "All right." She emerged from her hiding spot. "Just don't-"

PEW!

At least whatever was interfering with the tin dog was throwing off his aim. She jumped back just in time, fur standing on end. "Down, K9. Do not fire."

"Yes, Mistress."

Once more, she stepped out from behind the television only to be shot at. "K9!"

"Mistress?"

She sighed. This was going to be tricky. "Do not fire at the cat." When she heard his affirmative, she tried to come out again but he still shot at her. This time, she ran behind an armchair. "Stop!" she cried. K9 paused halfway to her new refuge.

His ears swivelled. Between the television and the chair there were now a series of scorch marks on the wall.

"K9 can you hear me?"

"Affirmative."

"Who am I?"

"Vocal patterns identified as Mistress Sarah Jane Smith."

Good, he still knew who she was. "Now listen, K9- you know it's me. You can hear it's me. But I don't look like myself right now, do you understand?"

"Affirmative, Mistress."

"In fact, I look a lot like a cat at the moment, understand?"

"Understood."

"You are about to see a cat that sounds like me. Do _not_ shoot the cat that sounds like me. Do you understand?"

"I understand perfectly, Mistress."

Sarah Jane relaxed. "Good," she said as she emerged from behind the chair. "Now, I think I know what's causing-"

PEW PEW PEW PEW!

Well, she was definitely going to need new curtains after climbing up them. And she'd have to replace all the broken picture frames on the mantle, and then do something about all the burn marks. But for the moment, she was focused on staying hidden under a throw pillow and blending in with the sofa. Thankfully, K9's scanner was still offline, so he didn't notice her as he trundled about the room.

"Oh, K9..."

"Yes, Mistress?" he asked, antennae ears swivelling towards the sound.

"Let's try this one more time. Who am I?"

"You are Mistress Sarah Jane Smith."

"All right. Now, suppose for a moment that I've been turned into a cat. Am I still Sarah Jane?"

"Yes, Mistress."

"And just because I am the same person in a different form, that does not make me an intruder. Right, K9?"

"Conclusion is logical."

"So you won't shoot cat-me."

"I will not shoot the Feline-Mistress."

"What was that again?"

"I will not shoot the Feline-Mistress."

"...put away your laser, K9."

He obliged. She slowly pushed the throw pillow away...

...and scurried under the sofa as bits of bunt stuffing rained down behind her. She really ought to have made a break for the stairs, but at least he couldn't get low enough to get a clear shot at her down here. As he paced along the perimeter of the sofa, she peeked out and saw the metal bug clamped on the underside of his neck. If she could just get close enough!

"K9, I've found the source of the frequency. It's stuck to you."

"Sensory error: I cannot detect source. Assistance required to remove."

"I'll remove it, I just need you to shut down first."

"Yes, Mistress. Initiating shut down sequence..."

With a low whine, his head and tail drooped down and the light in his eyes switched off. After a few seconds, Sarah Jane crept out from under the sofa and tapped his metal casing with a paw. When he didn't move, she did it twice more. Cautiously, she moved to his neck and scratched at the bug with her claws. It barely wiggled; she'd need to get at it from a different angle. Checking to see that he was still unresponsive, she hopped onto his back and reached around.

"Intruder detected! Intruder detected!"

"K9, no!"

Quickly, he rolled back and forth to try and knock her off, but she clung tightly, not about to give up. She scratched again at the bug, loosening it further, and he rotated his head around.

PEW PEW PEW!

She leapt off, spun around, lunged at his neck, and bit off the bug. At the same time, he jerked forward and knocked her back. She hit the floor hard and had a coughing fit, realising she'd just swallowed the device. While she lay gasping, K9 turned his head around the right way and approached her.

Before she could run, he extended his scanner at her and beeped. "Identity confirmed- greetings, Mistress." He wagged his antennae tail.

"Oh, K9," she said, the relief evident in her voice. "You're back to normal."

"Affirmative." For a moment, he beeped and whirred again. "Mistress, I detect recent use of a type-65 molecular transmogrification device. You are currently in feline form."

"You don't say..." she said, getting to her feet. "Is there any way to reverse the change?"

"Affirmative. Transformation is temporary, and reversals typically occur within ten to twelve hours."

"Surely we can do it faster?"

"Certainly. The process is simple..." K9 trundled along into the kitchen to examine the device.

_Finally_, thought Sarah Jane, _I've had enough of this nonsense for one day._


	9. Holy Kitties

Although Ian had insisted that it was impossible for a mysterious stone monolith embedded with crystals to alter reality to such a degree, it didn't change the fact that the TARDIS crew were suddenly a lot shorter and furrier. They didn't have much time to dwell on their new appearance. A dozen men and women in leather armour had surrounded them and taken them away to a large city.

Three cats and a half-grown kitten sat on a stone altar as the high priest chanted. An acolyte went past and dabbed some sweet-smelling oil on their foreheads. Ian wrinkled his nose and tried to wipe it off, but Barbara stopped him.

"Don't. You might offend them."

"Offend them?! When we're about to be sacrificed-!"

"We're not sacrifices, they think we're gods," said Vicki.

"_Messengers_ from the gods, child," whispered the Doctor. "And would you three keep quiet? This fellow keeps going on about some prophecy..."

They weren't worried about being overheard; as they were carried to the city, they'd figured out that nobody else could understand them. But somehow, they could understand these people. The city they'd been brought to was vaguely Greek in style, and the people looked human apart from their pointed ears. And there were rather a lot of cats, they'd noticed. Cats roaming the streets, cats sitting in windows, cats riding along with people in wagons or on horseback.

"Let's hope this won't be like the last time I was a god," Barbara muttered.

"Mistaken for a god," corrected Ian.

Vicki's eyes widened. "You've been a god before?"

"We were in ancient Mexico," she explained, "and hopefully these people don't go in for human sacrifice..."

The Doctor huffed. "And just how am I supposed to find out what they're going to do with us if you three won't stop chattering so, hmm?" The priest had finished his chanting and was now placing jeweled bands around their necks. "No, no...don't fuss. We're honoured guests today. They think we're messengers from their god of prosperity, symbols of the beginning of an era of peace."

"Doesn't look like it to me," grumbled Ian as he pawed at his collar. "And what's this about a prophecy?"

"If you'd clean the mud out of your ears and listen, young man...It's quite simple. The gods sent messengers to the monument at the harvest moon, we happened to be in the right place at the right time, and so they think we're us!"

Once the priest had finished his part, there came a line of well-wishers past the altar. The Doctor took on the air of a gracious host, extending his paw to the people in line, even throwing in a few "hellos" and "how-kind-of-yous" for effect, though the people would only hear meowing instead. Vicki soon got into the spirit of things and joined in, which seemed to delight the crowd. Barbara and Ian slowly followed suit, awkwardly shaking paws.

Afterwards, they'd been taken to a room in the temple that had been designed with cats in mind. It was built with walkways at all heights, lots of tunnels and platforms, boxes with soft cushions inside, and a small stream running through the middle. And it had no doors, just several open entrances.

They were free to come and go as they pleased, no sneaking required. Nobody stopped them as they left the city that night and made their way back to the TARDIS. But they found that they couldn't get back inside. Even though the Doctor could reach the lock after a few undignified jumps, they didn't have the key- it had disappeared along with their clothing during the transformation. They had no choice but to go back to the temple.

"We can't leave until we've changed back," said the Doctor. "Besides, I can't pilot the ship properly with these paws." Everyone else kept determinedly straight faces. "But we're perfectly all right here. Have you seen the other cats in this city? All well-cared for!"

"Still," said Ian, "I'd rather not end up as somebody's pet."

"Oh, I shouldn't think we will. Now, let's get some rest."

The next day, Ian and Barbara went for a walk around the city. Apart from occasionally being petted, especially by small children, it was almost normal. And while they couldn't talk to anyone, people greeted them as if they were still human. A craftswoman happily explained how she made her glasswares to them, and several other people told them about famous landmarks they might like to visit.

Much of the first few days were spent trying to figure out how to change back. In the meantime, the temple's acolytes regularly brought them food and tended to them and the other cats that hung around. One of the male acolytes in particular caught Vicki's attention, and every time he came around she made a point of jumping onto his shoulders from the walkway and purring loudly.

"You're literally throwing yourself at that boy!" Barbara chided gently. "A girl your age!"

She grinned and got into her pouncing position. "I might as well as long as I'm cute enough to get away with it! Oh come on, don't you think he's dishy?"

"You're not even the same species."

"Yes, but if I were human right now, me-_ow!"_

"Vicki!"

She laughed at Barbara's expression.

By the end of the first week, Ian had had enough of being a cat and demanded that the Doctor try harder to figure out how to change them back. The grey cat pointed out a specific plant that could help, and Ian went to try it.

"That was a rotten trick," said Vicki.

The Doctor chuckled. "I don't know what you mean, child."

"You've got them staggering about acting like loons!"

"I never said it was a cure. I only told him the plant would stop him worrying. Sharing with Barbara was his own idea." Over on the grass, their friends had stopped chasing each other and had fallen over in a giggling, purring heap.

"And I suppose you've already figured out how to make us human again?" She wondered how long it would take him to notice she was using his tail a a mustache.

"Oh yes. The priest's scroll said the monument would activate again at the full moon. We'll just nip back there at the correct time and be away."

The other two cats were now loudly voicing their opinions about various cloud formations and periodically batting at each other's tails and assorted limbs.

"You know they're not going to be happy with you when they sober up," warned Vicki. The Doctor only chuckled and wandered off.


	10. Jelly Kitty

**Anything that resembles a plot is entirely coincidental. Anything that resembles a Main Coone or a Bengal should not be allowed on a space station.**

* * *

"Come in, Professor! Do you read me?" yelled Commander Norton. "I need the new formula immediately!"

He hammered the comm button, but Professor Vrill wasn't responding. The commander didn't have time to run all the way to the other side of the ship. Instead, he barked an order for the computer to bring up the visual link to the lab. He'd get to the bottom of this delay.

What he saw was Vrill screaming and staggering about with what appeared to be an angry cat clinging to his face. A small tin dog was scooting to and fro, zapping security officers as they approached. Suddenly, the screen was taken up by a single eye.

"Hello there, Norton! I was wondering when we'd hear from you." The owner of the eye backed up. It was a large, furry cat wearing a floppy hat and scarf.

"Doctor!" snarled Norton. The cat gave a little wave.

"So nice to see you again! You see, after that little incident with the transmogrifier-"

"Doctor, stop this at once!"

"-Leela and I thought we really ought to check on the rest of your operation. You remember Leela?" Behind him, Leela had taken Professor Vrill to the ground and was calmly swatting his face every time he tried to get up.

"Security, report to Lab 3 immediately!" shouted the commander.

"Oh, they've already dropped by, haven't they K9?"

"Affirmative," replied K9 from on top of a pile of red-suited officers. He wagged his tail.

"Anyway, Norton, we couldn't help but notice this vaccine your people have prepared for the natives of this planet." He placed a paw on a tray of vials next to him.

A vein throbbed on Commander Norton's forehead. "That is property of the Uvidian Empire, which we are so generously providing to those savages! There is an epidemic among-"

"But those people down there aren't Uvidians," said the Doctor seriously. "Their immune systems are far more developed than your species', and will adapt in time. What you've made here is pure poison." He looked Norton straight in the eye. "You don't seem the least bit surprised. I take it you knew this would kill them."

Norton didn't respond for a moment, then he gave a curt "Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why murder an entire civilization?" the Doctor demanded.

"The Empire has to expand."

"So why not share the planet with them? They haven't settled over more than twenty-three percent of the land."

"Uvidians do not share space with inferior species! They are barely advanced primitives, we can easily wipe them out!"

"That's no reason to commit genocide!" shouted the Doctor. "Norton, I'm giving you a chance to stop everything. Stop this invasion, get rid of the poison, or-"

"Doctor!" cried Leela running over, "There's-" she tried to hop up onto the counter next to the Doctor but landed on the stuck-out edge of the tray, catapulting the vials across the lab and into Vrill, who had been trying to pull a gun off a security officer. The vials shattered as Vrill ran forward, slipped on a wet spot, and fell backwards into a lab bench, knocking over a rather large stack of vials. Every last bit of poison was spilled.

The Doctor stared for a moment at the mess, then back at Norton. "Never mind."

"DOCTOR-" the commander shouted as the screen went blank. He looked around for another officer to bark orders at, but he was alone. It was a small space station, with only a skeleton crew for the stealth mission. Grabbing a fully-charged gun, he stormed down the corridor. He'd take care of those interlopers himself.

Back in the lab, K9 had interfaced with one of the computers while the Doctor walked purposefully across the keyboard of another. Leela trotted along countertops at the Doctor's instruction, using a hose connected to a tap to dilute the poison and make it useless.

"They were really going to inject that into the people below?" she asked around the hose in her jaws.

"Yes. A senseless waste of life," muttered the Doctor. "They could at least have chosen a planet that wasn't inhabited. K9, have you finished setting up the link?"

"Yes, Master."

"Excellent!" He typed a few more things into the computer.

After turning off the water, Leela hopped onto K9's back and he trundled across the spilled liquid to where the Doctor was. He tapped a few more keys and jumped to the floor. "That ought to do it. I've swapped out the coordinates for this planet for an uninhabited on in every Uvidian database."

"What about the Uvidians here?" asked Leela.

"Oh, they'll be all right. I've set the station into a password-protected shutdown. They can either stay up here, or take the escape pods to the planet and live down there. Without a power source, they won't be able to do much damage." He started for the door. "Oh, I just remembered-"

At that moment, Commander Norton burst in and tripped over the feline Doctor. He almost caught himself before he slipped on a puddle and landed hard on his back, knocking himself out cold.

"- Leela, you and K9 go wait by the TARDIS. I'll be right with you." The Doctor ran out the door.

A short while later, Leela sat next to K9, scratching behind his ear with her paw. The Doctor came down the corridor, pulling a small cart along by his scarf. "What's that?" asked Leela.

"The transmogrifier. Can't pilot the TARDIS with paws, you know." He pushed the door open and Leela and K9 went inside. The Doctor followed, but was stopped short when the cart bumped up against the threshold of the TARDIS and couldn't roll in.

The Doctor paused and looked from the cart, to K9 over near the console, and back again. "How...?"

Leela shrugged.


	11. Zero-G Kitty

**(Speed-written by request, inspired by a video of cats in zero gravity conditions.)**

* * *

"Sir," said Rajya, "the shuttlecraft's off-course. I can't get a response from the crew."

Wessel glanced at her monitor. "Life signs?"

"Still present, but subdued. Almost as if they're unconscious."

He rubbed his chin. "Odd. They couldn't have been hijacked. That shuttle's only ferrying animals to the research station."

"Sir, they're not drifting. Someone inside is actively changing course."

Wessel checked the readings on a few other monitors, then sat down at his own control station. He quickly tapped out a command. "I've remotely deactivated the artificial gravity. That ought to throw them for a minute..."

Rajya switched on the monitor to see what was going on in the craft. Two very startled cats, one tri-coloured and the other tabby, clung to each other in midair. "The animals have gotten loose in the cabin," she said to her supervisor. "Kitty-kitty-kitty!" she cooed, "It's all right kitty. We're gonna get you back safe. Kitty-kitty-" A third, somewhat scruffy-looking one, peered over the edge of the control panel. He reached out and switched the monitor off.

She gaped at the screen. "They hung up on me!"

"That's better," said the scruffy black and white cat. He dug his claws into the fabric of the pilot's seat to keep from rising up. "Now then, we ought to be able-"

"Doctor, what's happened?" asked Victoria, who had never found herself floating in midair before.

"They've turned off the gravity."

"Oh, aye, that," said Jamie.

"Could we turn it back on, please?"

The Doctor batted at a few buttons. "We could, although it seems the ground crew has locked us out of some of the controls. I've got to try to land us close to the TARDIS before they regain controle of the shuttle." Clinging to the seat with his back claws, he started changing settings and resetting coordinates. He looked around at the control panel, which was rather large for him. "I need one of you to get in the co-pilot's seat."

His friends looked at each other, then back at him. They were stuck in the middle of the space, rotating slowly. "Ah, yes...just push off from each other gently and..._gently!"_

Jamie pushed off as hard as he could, sending the two of them ricocheting off the walls of the shuttle, flailing for something to grab onto. Somehow, Victoria ended up clinging to the back of the pilot's seat while Jamie caught a hold of one of the nylon straps on the ceiling.

"Do be careful! Victoria, can you hop on over to the other seat?" Carefully, she picked her way into the pilot's seat, then stepped over to the co-pilot's. The Doctor gave her a little push, only to end up nearly floating away himself. Victoria was able to quickly grab his paw.

"Hey, Doctor?" called Jamie from the ceiling.

"Not now, Jamie," he said, trying to get back into position.

"It's those two blokes who brought us here-"

"Just a moment..."

"But Doctor, they're waking up!"

"I said...they what?!" Back in the pilot's seat, the Doctor looked back. Indeed, the two crewmen were stirring. "Oh, crumbs! Jamie, try and hold them off while I take us back to the planet."

"Do what?!"

"You'll think of something!"

With that, the Doctor turned back to the controls, instructing Victoria on which buttons on her side she needed to press. Jamie looked around and spotted a phaser. Pulling himself along by the ceiling straps, he made his way over and grabbed it. He held it awkwardly in both paws and pointed it at the crewmen. "Back off, the both of ye!"

The men froze and held up their hands in surrender, floating in midair. Jamie was upside-down. Then, one of the men recognized the absurdity of being held at gunpoint by a cat and began moving forward. "I warned ye," said Jamie. He pressed what he hoped was the trigger.

Nothing.

"Come on, ye silly thing! Work!"

Just then the Doctor shouted, "Gravity!" Jamie fell and landed on his feet. The phaser clattered to the floor next to him and went off right in the direction of the two men.

"What's going on back there?"

"Ah...I took care of yon men, Doctor."

"Good. Come on up, Jamie. We're about to re-enter the atmosphere." The Scotskitty climbed into the co-pilot's seat with Victoria, and at the Doctor's instruction the two of them fastened the safety belt. "Now, we don't have access to the auxiliary thrusters, the inertial dampeners, left engine three, and the navigation system is offline-"

"But you can fly this thing, can't you?" asked Victoria.

"Of course I can! Easy as falling off a horse. You'd better hold on to something. This may be just a bit bumpier that we're used to."

Victoria and Jamie quickly tightened the safety belt.

"Here we go!" said the Doctor, paws on the controls.

The shuttlecraft tore through the upper atmosphere, the outer hull starting to glow red-hot. As it descended, it blew two engines and spun crazily. The emergency parachute deployed and caught fire. Halfway down, a piece of the hull popped off. Soon, it leveled off into an uneasy glide and ploughed into the earth at an angle, bounced, flipped twice, then skidded for a good six hundred metres before finally coming to a halt. In its wake, it left a deep gouge through the middle of a forest.

A small, scruffy cat peered over the top of the controls. "There we are, nice and safe. Jamie? Victoria?"

His friends were huddled tightly together, eyes wide, fur on end, and claws embedded so deeply into the seat they'd hit stuffing.

A few deep breaths later and they were ready to leave. The Doctor was concerned to see the two crewmen in a heap beside the door, but after checking their vitals he relaxed. "They'll be all right," he said as he hopped on top of them to reach the door switch. Jamie and Victoria bolted the instant the outer door slid open. "Where are you going?"

"Back to the TARDIS!" Jamie called back. "Before ye get any more daft ideas!"

"Daft ideas?!" The Doctor huffed and scampered after them. "At least my daft ideas kept us out of a laboratory!"

Meanwhile, at the moonbase's research station, a scientist was showing a new colleague around.

"...and this is the break room. You can grab a bite to eat, get a drink, and if you go over in that room, you can play with puppies. It helps take your mind off of work."

"Oh, nice. Do they have cats as well?"

"We were supposed to get some, but something happened to the shuttle delivering them."

"Pity. I love cats..."


	12. Classroom Kitty

_**You know you wanted some kitty!Twelve today! I'd like to thank unwillingadventurer for explaining British school to me.**_

* * *

"Clara!" came a familiar shout from the other side of the classroom door. The shout was accompanied by what sounded like frantic scratching.

She sighed. Addicted as she was to the thrill of time travel, she still had a job to worry about. "Doctor, it's Wednesday. I'm about to start a lesson!" Clara yanked open the door. "Whatever it is, it can wait until _after_ school."

All she saw was empty hallway. But she could've sworn-

"No, it can't!" came a voice from the floor. Clara looked down just in time to see a grey streak dart through her legs, across the room, and under her desk.

"Doctor?"

There was a long, furry tail hanging out of the bottom desk drawer she'd been rummaging through. She crouched down and pulled it all the way open. "Why are you a cat?" Good lord, somehow he still managed to have prominent eyebrows.

"Don't let them in!"

"Wh-?"

Behind her, four year 7 girls entered the room, giggling loudly. "Miss, have you seen a cat run through here?" asked one.

"Ooo, there he is!" squealed another.

"Go away!" shouted the Doctor, darting out of the drawer and making a break for the window in the back of the classroom. Still giggling and cooing, the girls chased after him. The Doctor leapt up only to find that the window was shut, and then the schoolgirls were upon him. "No, no, no! No hugging, I don't do hugging! Clara!" They'd completely ignored his protests and scooped him up. He flailed

Clara rushed to his rescue. "Girls, I don't think the cat wants to-OW!" As soon as she'd gotten close enough, he'd jumped out of their arms and climbed up hers to her shoulder, where he managed to position himself behind her head to use her as a shield. Clara reached up to remove his claws from her scalp, wrestling him from his position.

"Aw, is that your kitty, miss?" asked one of the girls, reaching out to pet him.

"Clara, get rid of them! You're their teacher, give them detention or something!"

Strangely enough, this only made the girls laugh more. "Oh, he's a chatty one, isn't he?"

"Yes..." said Clara. "Oh, look! It's almost time for class, you'd better get going." She hastily ushered the girls to the door, the Doctor protesting loudly at their continued attempts to pet him. "And let's keep this whole cat thing to ourselves, yeah?"

Once they were gone, she dropped him onto her desk and gave him her best stern teacher face. The Doctor didn't notice, instead muttering something about the inverse ratio of human brain function in proximity to small, furry things. "Why are you here?!" demanded Clara. "I mean, why are you a cat? No, actually, I mean how the _hell_ am I going to explain a talking cat in my classroom?"

"What talking cat?" asked the Doctor, brows furrowed.

"You!"

"Me?"

"You're the only cat in here!"

"Ah," he said. "I'm not actually talking. Not in the way you understand." When she continued to stare at him, he continued. "Come on, Clara! I've got feline vocal chords, a muzzle, no lips...I physically cannot make the sounds required for English! What you're hearing is the TARDIS translating for me."

"So...you're a cat, and I'm the only one who can hear you?"

"_Yes_."

Seeing such an intense Doctor-ish look on a cat's face would have been hilarious in other circumstances. As it were, it was almost time for the bell signalling the start of the day's classes, and this was really not the best time for shenanigans. Clara pulled out her chair. "Alright, hop down."

"What?"

"In five minutes, my year 10s are going to start coming in that door and if they see a cat sitting on my desk, they will want to cuddle it. Now you can sit up here and deal with it, or you can hide for a bit until we figure out what to do with you."

For once he didn't argue with her. Now if he would just stay there until her lunch break...

* * *

"...and for those of you who actually bothered to read the fourth act, you may have noticed Prospero warns Ferdinand not to break Miranda's "virgin-knot" before the wedding. And yes, that means exactly what you think it does. The bluntness of the discussion highlights how innocent Miranda is, having been so isolated her whole life."

She paused in her lecture to write down a key bullet point on the board. Behind her, she could hear a few gasps, followed by silent sniggering. It was to be expected, she'd just alluded to sex in a roomful of teenagers.

"The masque was actually a popular form of entertainment during this time. The one in this scene involves Juno and Ceres. Anybody care to guess what these two represent?"

More giggling, this time accompanied by the unmistakable sound of a camera phone. "I head that," she said, turning around. "Put your mobiles away or they're going in my desk. Right then, Juno...anybody?" There were already about half a dozen hands up, more than usual. She pointed at one of them. "Adam?"

"Is that your cat, Miss?"

"What cat?" she asked before her brain caught up. Naturally, half the class helpfully pointed at her desk. The Doctor sat there in full view, paws on the desk, poking through her notes. "Oh, that one..." Already, she could hear whispers of "So cute!" and "Kitty!" and "He's got eyebrows!"

"So Will actually used that line?" he muttered, prompting another round of "Awws" from the girls.

"What's his name?" asked another student.

The Doctor wasn't done with his assessment. "D'you know, I told him that he needed to tone it down a bit on the purple prose. Less padding, more action-"

"Doctor!" hissed Clara.

"His name's Doctor?" someone asked.

She paused to consider a moment. "Yeah...Doctor...Dr Mew." And she really ought to remember that she already has enough problems without being the weird teacher who talks to her cats. "So anyway, back to Juno! And let me remind you that some of this _will _be on the test, so take good notes. Juno symbolises marriage and family, and-"

"Why'd you bring Dr Mew to school?"

So much for getting them back on task. "I didn't. He followed me. The focus on marriage in this part of the play is Shakespeare's way of getting us to focus on the return to social order and harmony. So when Prospero suddenly remember Caliban's plot-"

"It's overly-long so the other actors can take a break and change costume. Get to the good part!" At this, the Doctor hopped completely onto the desk and batted pages of notes out of the way until he came to the one he wanted. "Here we are! _We are such stuff as dreams are made on-_"

"_Doctor!_"

If the class hadn't been distracted before, they certainly were now. A few weren't even bothering to hide their phones to take pictures. "All right! Yes, there's a cat in the classroom! I know it's unusual and silly, but it's just a cat. Just like every other cat in the world, now if you will all give me your attention, I'll try to get through this quickly..."

She turned back to the board. At the same time, one of the bolder students slipped out of her desk and approached the Doctor. "Here, kitty kitty..."

"Oh, no you don't! Clara!" He'd leapt off the desk towards her. Clara turned around and ended up with a cat in her face. He quickly scrambled around to her shoulders. By now, the students were roaring with laughter. "They're doing it again! Come on, at least detention or take away points or something! Do you even do points?"

Well, thought Clara, there goes the rest of the lesson...

* * *

"So what did you do?" asked Danny. They leaned against each other on her sofa, watching the video of the incident that one of the students had uploaded to YouTube. Clara had given him detention for it. He didn't care.

"Well, there were only twenty minutes left in class and it wasn't like they were interested in learning anything. So I had them do Shakespeare trivia, the left half of the room vs the right half of the room, and had the Doctor judge their answers."

"And he agreed to do that?"

"Well...I may have used minor threats...like letting the year sevens at him again..."

Danny laughed.

Behind them, something grey and furry hopped up on the back of the sofa. "It's not funny," said the Doctor.

"Yeah, it is." Danny scrolled through his phone until he found some pictures he'd taken earlier that day. "Look, the kids have already made you into a meme. They started posting these on the walls after lunch." The pictures showed the cat-Doctor sitting at Clara's desk, with captions featuring a variety of Shakespearian cat puns.

"What is it with humans and cats?" The Doctor muttered, jumping down from the sofa and stalking off to the TARDIS in the other room. "The ancient Egyptians didn't go for cats as much as you people, and they worshipped them!" His voice trailed off as he went inside the ship and slammed the door.


End file.
